So many new things, ideas, conceptual figments on which I bias on my perspective of the world.
The past few months (6 months) have been life changing. I've gone through my first ideas of true love to the most inner realizations of myself. I know now that I am bipolar, which has changed many of the things about me as I've began to realize how much the disorder is worsening, conflicted with aspergers and dyslexia. I finally had the guts to ask out the love of my dreams during the start of the summer. It was truly indescribable... I had her on my mind for two entire years. At the start of those two long and painful years I decided "You know what? I'm going to commit everything I have within myself to be with her. I love her), and I truly did. I watched our friendship grow, the pain of seeing her in relationships with me in the casted shadow, me being there to support her; in so many ways I seemed to be her destined mate in this incredible bonding we partook in. If I could have nothing more in the world, it would have been to just remain friends with her. Our friendship was, I'd say, perfect. Anyways, I finally had the strength to tell her I loved her. She coincidentally had the same feelings towards me. From the entire time I wanted to be with her.
For the next little bit things were fantastic- I had saved everything for her-- she was my first kiss, my first real hug, the first person I'd just truly loved more than anything in the world. If she were to pull from me, it would be like pulling every organ from my body. I realized the fear of losing her. It started to make me anxious around her, and soon I was so afraid of saying something that would risk our relationship that I couldn't even speak to her. Ironic, yes, because in not talking to her and not risking losing anything I ended up losing everything. On our many bike rides into the local park and swinging so harmoniously on the swings was soon like a prison carriage with our mouths taped shut. School started. We talked even less. We talked, we knew it would be best if we just ended it. I was at first okay with it, because I knew we'd still be friends...
I'm still not completely certain why to this day, but she hates me. Every attempt I've made to ask her why has ended with an argument, and me feeling a certain anger that I feel so guilty for having-- this is the person I had given up many things for, committed so long to be with, and it ended just like that. From inability to communicate. I cried, for the first time in many many years. Cried at night many times. Had to force back tears in school. Why was this destroying me? Mentally I was over it, but I wasn't. I was still convinced deep within me that she was my best friend... it was destroying me. My best friend wasn't talking to me. I was very depressed, and I lost motivation for everything. I stopped talking, period. People started to make me increasingly more anxious. I tried talking to people but I ended up skipping words, losing conceptions of what to say, and just losing track halfway into talking. I convinced myself that I hated her, and it took a long time to do that, but afterwards I felt better. I no longer felt the pain of knowing how long I'd spent wanting her, rather now I felt this mild anger towards her very presence. I hated to hate, but I had to. It was the only way to turn off the garbage disposal at the base of my heart.
I've done some researching and have discovered the logic in all of this. Bipolarity consists of depressive and manic episodes (for me); maniacal episodes consisting of spontaneous action and recklessness- all in all a "happier" state of being. In this state I would talk and be funny, the person whom she had known me as. Depressive episodes, on the other hand, made me secluded, antisocial, and muted. Aspergers syndrome makes me avoidant of human presence and limited in my speech as well as with my dyslexia.
Nowadays I'm becoming increasingly more antisocial-- I talk as minimal as possible, only to agree or answer correspondingly; I can only talk with my few close friends, and the odd nice person... other than that, people hurt to be in the presence of. I believe it's been derived from bipolarity, but I also have developed an anxiety disorder- I've been aware of this for years, however. It's just worsened recently- as much as being talked to I will feel as though I'm in front of the entire world with my pants down.
I've been learning many coping methods, however... art is especially good for me- when I draw in a really relaxed state of mind, every emotion seems to just travel out of my fingertips... it's the only way I can express myself, through my fingers. Writing and drawing and listening to music has made my recent life bearable and survivable once more. I still get sad, however, just not as sad as I used to before I installed my "hate" interface. I can see these disorders really affecting me in the future though... I want to be a graphic designer, but I feel my work will sometimes receive the bias of whatever mood I seem to be withdrawled upon. Oh well. Perhaps people will appreciate it as I do.
Moods to change quite quickly... usually a few times a day, but it varies-- I was depressed for two months one time, and quite happy for two weeks after, but usually it's been a day depressed and a day happy, or half and half.
And that is Spenner's recent life in a nutshell. TL;DR: I'm coping with bipolarity and a few other disorders after being completely shattered by a failed commitment that was caused by such disorders.
Sigh. Hello again everyone.