Discussion Zone: => General Chat => Topic started by: Spenner on December 11, 2009, 11:52:44 PM
Title: So much.
Post by: Spenner on December 11, 2009, 11:52:44 PM
So many new things, ideas, conceptual figments on which I bias on my perspective of the world.
The past few months (6 months) have been life changing. I've gone through my first ideas of true love to the most inner realizations of myself. I know now that I am bipolar, which has changed many of the things about me as I've began to realize how much the disorder is worsening, conflicted with aspergers and dyslexia. I finally had the guts to ask out the love of my dreams during the start of the summer. It was truly indescribable... I had her on my mind for two entire years. At the start of those two long and painful years I decided "You know what? I'm going to commit everything I have within myself to be with her. I love her), and I truly did. I watched our friendship grow, the pain of seeing her in relationships with me in the casted shadow, me being there to support her; in so many ways I seemed to be her destined mate in this incredible bonding we partook in. If I could have nothing more in the world, it would have been to just remain friends with her. Our friendship was, I'd say, perfect. Anyways, I finally had the strength to tell her I loved her. She coincidentally had the same feelings towards me. From the entire time I wanted to be with her. For the next little bit things were fantastic- I had saved everything for her-- she was my first kiss, my first real hug, the first person I'd just truly loved more than anything in the world. If she were to pull from me, it would be like pulling every organ from my body. I realized the fear of losing her. It started to make me anxious around her, and soon I was so afraid of saying something that would risk our relationship that I couldn't even speak to her. Ironic, yes, because in not talking to her and not risking losing anything I ended up losing everything. On our many bike rides into the local park and swinging so harmoniously on the swings was soon like a prison carriage with our mouths taped shut. School started. We talked even less. We talked, we knew it would be best if we just ended it. I was at first okay with it, because I knew we'd still be friends... I'm still not completely certain why to this day, but she hates me. Every attempt I've made to ask her why has ended with an argument, and me feeling a certain anger that I feel so guilty for having-- this is the person I had given up many things for, committed so long to be with, and it ended just like that. From inability to communicate. I cried, for the first time in many many years. Cried at night many times. Had to force back tears in school. Why was this destroying me? Mentally I was over it, but I wasn't. I was still convinced deep within me that she was my best friend... it was destroying me. My best friend wasn't talking to me. I was very depressed, and I lost motivation for everything. I stopped talking, period. People started to make me increasingly more anxious. I tried talking to people but I ended up skipping words, losing conceptions of what to say, and just losing track halfway into talking. I convinced myself that I hated her, and it took a long time to do that, but afterwards I felt better. I no longer felt the pain of knowing how long I'd spent wanting her, rather now I felt this mild anger towards her very presence. I hated to hate, but I had to. It was the only way to turn off the garbage disposal at the base of my heart. I've done some researching and have discovered the logic in all of this. Bipolarity consists of depressive and manic episodes (for me); maniacal episodes consisting of spontaneous action and recklessness- all in all a "happier" state of being. In this state I would talk and be funny, the person whom she had known me as. Depressive episodes, on the other hand, made me secluded, antisocial, and muted. Aspergers syndrome makes me avoidant of human presence and limited in my speech as well as with my dyslexia. Nowadays I'm becoming increasingly more antisocial-- I talk as minimal as possible, only to agree or answer correspondingly; I can only talk with my few close friends, and the odd nice person... other than that, people hurt to be in the presence of. I believe it's been derived from bipolarity, but I also have developed an anxiety disorder- I've been aware of this for years, however. It's just worsened recently- as much as being talked to I will feel as though I'm in front of the entire world with my pants down. I've been learning many coping methods, however... art is especially good for me- when I draw in a really relaxed state of mind, every emotion seems to just travel out of my fingertips... it's the only way I can express myself, through my fingers. Writing and drawing and listening to music has made my recent life bearable and survivable once more. I still get sad, however, just not as sad as I used to before I installed my "hate" interface. I can see these disorders really affecting me in the future though... I want to be a graphic designer, but I feel my work will sometimes receive the bias of whatever mood I seem to be withdrawled upon. Oh well. Perhaps people will appreciate it as I do. Moods to change quite quickly... usually a few times a day, but it varies-- I was depressed for two months one time, and quite happy for two weeks after, but usually it's been a day depressed and a day happy, or half and half.
And that is Spenner's recent life in a nutshell. TL;DR: I'm coping with bipolarity and a few other disorders after being completely shattered by a failed commitment that was caused by such disorders.
Sigh. Hello again everyone.
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Flashwerewolf on December 12, 2009, 01:01:20 AM
Sometimes introspection is the cure, sometime it is the cancer of our thoughts. I know I've been on both sides of that road. [welcome] back!
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Spenner on December 12, 2009, 01:06:21 AM
Thanks, and yeah, I'm sure I'll make better dealings with these things soon enough.
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Flashwerewolf on December 12, 2009, 01:07:43 AM
Time, experiences, trial, and error. These things are growth and self improvement, sounds like you've gained a lot of these. Nice work! [chair]
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Spenner on December 12, 2009, 01:13:48 AM
Thanks, all in the name of becoming a stronger person inevitably I hope [angel] there's been many hardships, but I'm sure it'll pay off in the end.
Gosh darn; so what's new with the forum?
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Flashwerewolf on December 12, 2009, 01:17:26 AM
lets see, since April we've gotten a bunch of new faces, Kinjo just released Emos #4 today, Pluto isnt a planet anymore, and everything here has been peachy!
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Spenner on December 12, 2009, 01:26:48 AM
Sounds delightful. [yoshi]
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Flashwerewolf on December 12, 2009, 01:28:32 AM
Yeah! Are you as excited about Xmas as I am !?!?!!?!?! [xmas2]
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Spenner on December 12, 2009, 01:36:31 AM
TWICE AS MUCH
Other than the fact that I have no idea what shall reside on my wish list :/
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Whalesdude on December 12, 2009, 01:54:38 AM
Am I the only person who doesn't have a wish list?
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Flashwerewolf on December 12, 2009, 02:13:06 AM
nope, I was tortured with pie until my family extracted a list from my broekn, feeble body.
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: kinjo on December 12, 2009, 07:22:11 AM
hey spenner! you know i am a bit bi-polar really didnt realize it until a few years back, it is hard to stop yourself sometimes also takes a while to admit and know what is wrong with you, i say hang in there, your young and have your whole life ahead of you also today im uploading emos 4 to youtube :)
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Spenner on December 12, 2009, 11:22:09 AM
Yeah, it felt a lot better when I just admitted to myself what was the problem so I could start dealing with it- and yeah, it's cope-able, and I've got a life's worth of potential ahead of me :]
And yeah, good stuff as always- I myself should be contributing some flash stuff pretty soon; I'm looking to get back into animation for a bit.
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Kedzor on December 13, 2009, 03:18:34 AM
Holy crap it's spenner. TL fraking DR
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Adelaide on December 13, 2009, 06:45:08 AM
=D I read it!
Hi there! I'm Addy! ^.^ Nice to meet you! It seems like you are taking a good approach to all of this! =D I hope to be able to get to know you better!
Welcome back! =D
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Spenner on December 13, 2009, 01:12:25 PM
Yes, I believe that's the longest post I have ever made EVER that's not copypaste [cowb]
And good job Addy =D I didn't expect anyone to really read all of it, though connecting all the elements of it you sorta get my situation but whatever-- pleasure to meat you [music]
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Flashwerewolf on December 13, 2009, 01:13:14 PM
watch out! shes the bunny!
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Spenner on December 13, 2009, 01:15:09 PM
I own a bunny. I know how to handle bunnies [sword]
But yeah my bunny is 12 and a half years old--- OLD BUNNY [rocket]
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Flashwerewolf on December 13, 2009, 02:31:12 PM
old fart bunny!
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Adelaide on December 15, 2009, 02:42:59 AM
I have a bunny toooo!!! =D Bunny buddies~!
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Wesker on December 15, 2009, 10:15:49 PM
I've been there buddy boy, and it certainly isn't an easy thing for a guy to do. But I had a brief talk with a girl at work in september and it clicked--sometimes you just have to say 'who gives a damn?' So what if you might embarass yourself if you open your mouth or anything else? Live, dammit! I'm back to the life I had in 6th and 7th grade and things have never been better, and it's not only because of that girl, but the girl of my dreams, who is now in college. I'll stop typing so I don't get moody and nostalgiac on ya.
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Spenner on December 15, 2009, 10:28:08 PM
Yeah, and I've sorta gotten over it, only my anxiety disorder just kicks in before I do ANYTHING--- BUT!!! I've learned to just focus on what I'm doing and disregard my emotions, otherwise I'd be a dummy when I'm in a depressed episode. Talking to girls seems to always lighten my mood though :/ always does. [music] <3 Girls, boys suck [music]
And yes, my bunny's name is Hopper and he's 12 and a half years old :] he bites :] and before you can pet him, you must feed him EXACTLY 3 treats-- too much and he'll get pissed and bite you, too little and he'll bite you for not giving enough. We made him a wooden house, too, but he got too big for it so he ate all the walls. On top of his vicious tendencies he's also a survivor- three cat attacks IN his cage have been dealt with, a dog repeatedly attacking his outdoor cage and one day breaking it open and holding Hopper in it's MOUTH (;__;) and he's bitten a live wire for the freezer before, miraculously survived.
I love my bunny.
But yeah once I get that disregard for emotions state of mind into play, everything just seems mucho better.
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: kinjo on December 16, 2009, 07:34:03 AM
what if you give your bunny 4 treats?
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Adelaide on December 16, 2009, 01:04:40 PM
It noms on your fingers >=3 om nom nom nom
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Spenner on December 16, 2009, 03:13:20 PM
Yes, usually it gets pissed off and tries to bite you at the fear that you're giving him a deadly overdose. [box]
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Wesker on December 17, 2009, 08:47:20 PM
OM NOM NOM [marvwave]
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Adelaide on December 17, 2009, 09:29:17 PM
My bunny looooves cabbage!
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Wesker on December 17, 2009, 09:55:43 PM
Peter Rabbit loved cabbage.
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Adelaide on December 17, 2009, 10:42:37 PM
=3 i loved that story
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Spenner on December 17, 2009, 10:44:29 PM
I forget if we've fed Hopper cabbage or not, but I know he likes dried corn, mapletree branches, apple/applepeelings, and chocolate (yeah).
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Adelaide on December 17, 2009, 11:13:16 PM
=O you feed him chocolate?!
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Wesker on December 17, 2009, 11:34:29 PM
Everybody loves chocolate. [yum]
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Adelaide on December 18, 2009, 12:07:13 AM
Thats not true.. i cant even eat chocolate...
but i do anyway...
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Flashwerewolf on December 18, 2009, 05:55:56 PM
you're like a dog! [xmas1]
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Adelaide on December 19, 2009, 01:10:50 AM
Nut uh! Well... kinda...
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Flashwerewolf on December 19, 2009, 01:50:59 AM
*sneaks Addy some chocolate* DONT TELL! [chair]
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Adelaide on December 19, 2009, 03:00:33 AM
OM NOM NOM! Ish a sheekrit =3
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Wesker on December 19, 2009, 08:48:39 AM
I like to sneak some food under the door so the mice can be pleased. [assmonster]
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Adelaide on December 19, 2009, 08:49:34 PM
Thats nice =3 One time i lived in one of those huge double houses (you know, the old ones that are really big and divided down the middle so there is a family in each one?) and the family next to us had a mouse problem and one of them got into our house and i used to feed it =3
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Wesker on December 20, 2009, 12:27:52 AM
Actually I don't feed mice. I just said that because I had nothing else to say.
I live in a double house and have done so my entire life. Nice of you feeding that mouse. My mom is hostile to them alot because she finds infestation disgusting.
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Adelaide on December 20, 2009, 04:27:48 AM
=3 my mom didnt like it and bought all these mouse traps that i disposed of =3
I made her get it humanely and set it free
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Wesker on December 20, 2009, 08:32:07 AM
Mouse traps are like land mines of the mice world.
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Flashwerewolf on December 20, 2009, 09:14:18 AM
Mice are easy to get with mouse traps. Rats on the other-hand are trickier.
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: kinjo on December 20, 2009, 10:06:33 AM
i used to catch mice, they were always so scared. But eventually became my friends. [lick]
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Flashwerewolf on December 20, 2009, 10:11:33 AM
I bought mice and fed them to creatures! [xmas1]
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: kinjo on December 20, 2009, 10:18:17 AM
like elephants? [ele]
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Adelaide on December 20, 2009, 05:57:17 PM
D= I bought feeder mice to keep as pets and save from teh snakes =o
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Wesker on December 20, 2009, 06:21:50 PM
I bought a snake to save from the mice! [chair]
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: kinjo on December 20, 2009, 06:24:33 PM
I caught a mouse to save the snakes.
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Adelaide on December 20, 2009, 06:30:41 PM
I bought a mouse and a snake but kept them away from each other =3
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: kinjo on December 20, 2009, 06:31:13 PM
ya that would be a weird looking offspring
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Adelaide on December 20, 2009, 06:35:33 PM
yeah o.o it would [babysnake]
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: kinjo on December 21, 2009, 08:47:38 AM
more like this [xmas1]
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Adelaide on December 21, 2009, 08:49:31 AM
[xmas3] =3 this one is better
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: kinjo on December 21, 2009, 08:53:34 AM
[xmas2] this one has a hole in the middle
Title: Re: So much.
Post by: Flashwerewolf on December 21, 2009, 09:07:38 AM